Below are 3 sentences from the EMU catalog, in part a) I have pasted the original sentence, in part b) I have revised the sentence.
1a) Disciplinary action will be taken as per applicable collective bargaining agreements and University policy up to and including termination of employment for habitual repeat offenders.
1b) The University will take disciplinary action against repeat offenders, as per collective bargaining agreements and University policy up to and including termination of employment.
2a) Because their lungs are not fully developed, young children are particularly susceptible to second-hand smoke.
2b) Young children are particularly susceptible to second-hand smoke because their lungs are not fully developed.
3a) Cigarette smoking approximately doubles a person’s risk for stroke.
3b) A person who smokes cigarettes approximately doubles their risk for stroke.
In each revision I tried to pay attention to what the character, action, subject and topic were. I moved the ‘characters’ to the front of the sentence, so that the reader does not have to find out who the ‘who’ is mid-way the sentence. Each sentence starts with a result or a cause that will occur because of what ‘happens’ at the end of the rest of the sentence, I tried to make the action-consequence relation more clear by writing it in a way that is easier for me to think about it, which is to put it in a sort of chorological or of, action-consequence I also moved important things to the end of the sentence, for instance in 1 and 3, the endings are “termination of employment” and “doubles their risk for stroke.”
I hope I’m going about the rearranging and modifying sentences correctly. Some of the examples didn’t provide me with a clear impression of which examples were ‘better’ than others, even though most of the examples were clear.
